So Slewis came out to visit last week, and we had a killer time. Just like hanging out in parks, eating food, watching Hart of Dixie, shit like that.
We also paid a visit to Oracle Arena, to watch my local medium-mighty Warriors take on the about-the-same-level-of-mightiness Rockets. They lost, which sucked. But it was ok for a few reasons.
Here are the reasons:
1. Either the Rockets or Warriors losing was good for my pathetic Lakers’ chances at getting swept in the first round of the playoffs.
2. I got to wear my hat. I love my hat.
3. Also I was not really paying attention because I was tweeting 100% of the time the game was happening, trying to get on the jumbotron.
4. I SUCCEEDED I GOT ON THE JUMBOTRON.
Before I get to the tweets, let me just tell you that the majority of jumbotron tweets are lame. Some of them are JUST HASHTAGS. Like “#letsgowarriors” just that. No offense the person who tweeted just that.
Let me also tell you that Slewis is a vicious tweet editor, and was making me CRAZY NERVOUS, staring over my shoulder and shit and not letting me tweet anything ass-kissey like “Wow what a great dunk by #HarrisonBarnes! I love those jerseys with sleeves on them! <3<3 #warriors”
So I struggled, and failed. My brilliant tweets were being totally ignored.
Daaaaaavvvviiiiidddd Leeeeeeeeeeeee #dubnation #warriors #worththemoney— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013
C’mon dude sitting next to me. Be more supportive! #dubnation #warriors #carllandryisnottheworst— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013
No idea why those didn’t get on the jumbotron. I was being such a good and dedicated fan.
AND THEN I SAW THIS, or the tail end of it scrolling across the screen.
Shout out to the warriors junior dance squad. Good hustle. Lotta moxie #dubnation #warriors #warriorsground— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013
I tried to get a picture but I was too busy jumping up an down to work my camera phone. So I had to try again. (Side note: The Warriors Junior Dance Squad is seriously awesome).
I was running out of inspiration though. Until some dude in a button down and suit pants who probably already has lots of dollars won another $2000 by shooting a three pointer. He really celebrated. Like, a lot. I noticed this. Then jumbotron-tweet-selector-person noticed me noticing. And I got on the scoreboard again!!!
That well dressed gentleman sure was excited to win $2000 #dubnation #warriors #warriorsground— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! This time i was all prepared with my camera and shit, but the photo totally did not come out.
I had to ask around to see if anyone else got a pic.
@jlin7 hey did you get a picture of my tweet on the oracle jumbotron? Mine didn’t come out :( twitter.com/slisl/status/3…— slisl (@slisl) March 9, 2013
Still no word, I guess I will have to try Harden.
Sup y’all. Today we are tweeting Roy Hibbert. Tomorrow? Nobody knows. I could dissolve back into internet space never to be seen again. Or, like, I could post every day like a good blogger.
Who really knows anymore.
Point is: LOOK AT THIS PUPPY THAT ROY HIBBERT IS GETTING.
Thinking of puppy names for this one. He’ll be here soon! twitter.com/Hoya2aPacer/st…
Plus, he wants us to help him name the puppy, which is the cutest puppy, and this is a lot of responsibility guys. Let’s take it seriously.
Here are some things I know about Roy Hibbert off the top of my head:
1) He’s tall
2) He’s the titular player on my fantasy team, “Hibbert and Ernie.” (Titular player, is that a thing?)
3) He was on Parks and Rec. Apparently, according to this link that recurring-character-on-this-blog Slewis just sent me, he “lobbied hard” for that role.
4) Seriously guys, real tall.
So, naming options (based on the 4 things I know about Roy Hibbert off the top of my head):
1) Tall Dog (may not be accurate; that dog looks pretty short, cause, like, it’s a puppy and all)
2) Ernie (since he has yet to join my fantasy league, I’m not sure he’d get it)
3) Jean-Ralphio (his favorite character!) or Lil’ Sebastian (my favorite character!)
4) Seriously Real Tall Dog (might not fit on one of those little doggy collar name tags that you put on cute doggies)
So obv, we are going with option 3.
@hoya2apacer 1) how is that dog so cute 2) he looks like a “jean-ralphio” or “lil’ sebastian” 3) SO CUTE 4) seriously omg so cute
YOU GUYS, IT IS JUST SO CUTE.
Anonymous asked: Hasheem Thabeet? He tweets in all caps.
Oh man! My first online internet request from an Anonymous! So exciting! Hasheem Thabeet indeed DOES tweet in all caps. He is also from Tanzania, which is where I did my study abroad. So there are at least two countries where we have both existed in. Wow! A lot of commonalities you know? (Not really).
Anyway according to his Twitter, it is Tanzanian Independence Day, which is excellent because Independence days are perhaps the best of all holidays. I would love to wish him a happy Tanzanian Independence Day in Kiswahili, because it is obnoxious to say things in other languages as if you speak them when you actually don’t. Problem is, I was always horrible at Kiswahili and after like eight years of never speaking it I can pretty much say three things:
How is your morning? (Habari za asubuhi)
How is your afternoon? (Habari za mchana)
How is your evening? (Habari za jioni)
So I guess this will be the best I can do:
@hasheemthedream HABARI ZA TANZANIAN INDEPENDENCE DAY?!!?!?!?!!!
In all caps, of course!
Oh man, remember like a month and a half ago when I SWORE that I wasn’t going to abandon Tweet Me Back, NBA anymore and then I did pretty ok for a week or so and then guess what happened? Correct. I am a HUUUGE abandoner and I abandoned TMBNBA.
I’m sorry. A of all, there is no excuse for blog-abandonment. B of all, here are my excuses.
Excuse # 1: All of my sports-writing energy has become completely wrapped up in writing weekly Bad Quarterback League updates.
Excuse # 2: I’ve been kind of fair weather fan-ing my Lakers because all the dramz and the losing is hurting my heart, and also NFL is happening, so I’ve been kinda NBA disengaged.
Excuse #3: I’ve lazy. There. I said it. I’m a fucking lazybones lazyhead. Sadface.
But, BUT. Best Basketbal Friend Biff (BBFB) requested “tweet me back Lopez Brothers” (only Robin has a Twitter, BBFB! You better get on that, Brook!) So tweet me back Lopez Bros it is.
What am I tweeting Robin Lopez about? I’m tweeting him about baby newts! WHY? Because I found one in my front yard! Here is a picture:
Look how fucking cute that is! Can you see it? It’s in the center being real cute. And it has a friend! And also it is so small! Smaller than that key! I tried look up what kind of newt (well, actually, I guess it’s probably a salamander) it is and I think I’ve narrowed it down to juvenile Arboreal Salamander or juvenile Santa Cruz Black Salamander.
Now, there is no reason to believe that Robin Lopez is an expert amphibian-ologist and will help me identify this newt/salamander/newt-amander. But there’s also no reason not to. So.
@eegabeeva88 Do you know what kind of baby newt this is? Besides the adorable kind? twitter.com/slisl/status/2…— slisl (@slisl) November 29, 2012
Now let’s take a moment to appreciate that Robin Lopez’s Twitter handle is “eegabeeva88.” And then take a moment to thank BBFB for giving me the courage to Tweet Me Back, NBA again. Heart hearts all around! <3<3.
Really sad news y’all. Kevin Love broke his handy in practice today and is going to be out 4-8 weeks, so he’ll probably miss the beginning of the season. Injuries are always sad (let’s all take this moment to shed a tear for Ray Lewis), even when they happen to someone you super hate, but they are especially sad when they happen to national treasures.
So Slewis and I made K-Love a get well soon card. I hope he likes it!
@kevinlove Get well soon, K Love! <3<3 from me and @cjameslewis twitter.com/slisl/status/2…— slisl (@slisl) October 17, 2012
I tweeted fellow former Bruin Russell Westbrook too, just to be doubly sure K Love gets it!
So I know two posts in the one day (nay, one HOUR) is a little out of character, but I cannot not share this with you.
Via David Lee’s (#worththemoney) instagram:
@dlee042 lit’rally the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.— slisl (@slisl) October 13, 2012
Those dudes better watch their specs; I broke my glasses dancing Gangnam Style three weeks ago.
Let’s talk about the photo above, which Paul George just posted to instagram, captioned “Year 3!”
So I realize that in this photo Paul George is probably viciously dunking on Nikola Pekovic, while Roy Hibbert, looks on in disbelief and Andrei Kirilenko observes, bemused.
But I can’t help but think it really looks like something else:
Paul Hibbert violently decapitating Nikola Pekovic (perhaps in revenge for doing something awful? But would Nikola Pekovic ever do something really awful?), while Nikola Pekovic is all “I don’t deserve this!” and Roy Hibbert is all “the fuck?”
Allow me to illustrate to make things a bit clearer:
@king24george my interpretation: twitter.com/slisl/status/2…— slisl (@slisl) October 13, 2012
That’s totally what it looks like, right?
So I have beef with with the NFL’s new uniforms. I know there have been a lot of complaints from players themselves that the new uniforms make them look like they’ve eaten babies, but that is not what I’m beefing about. I’m beefing because Nike, despite its tremendous amount of technology/resources/types of fabric, has yet to solve the most serious NFL uniform problem of our time: visible ass-sweat.
Not every team has this problem. The Saints’ black pants are relatively immune, as are most teams with dark-colored bottoms. The Dallas Cowboys have some major issues in their silver pants (it’s not necessary to google image search “Dallas Cowboys Butts/Dallas Cowboys Sweaty Butts”; I have done this and the results are uninformative, to say the least), but the worst, THE WORST, is the white pants.
Here is a picture I took of the Chargers’ offensive line on my television set Sunday Night.
I’m back! I’m back back back back back! Hopefully this will be my last long absence. My summer of travel/workdeath is finally over, and someone actually asked me in PERSON (Shout out to Alex!) when the blog was coming back, bringing reader-count up to at least 4.
At least a month ago my BBFB (Best Basketball Friend Biff) requested I tweet Boogie Cousins (some of y’all may know him as “DeMarcus”).
The problem is, Boogie hasn’t really tweeted anything of note recently. Mostly shit about the season starting, and how one night he couldn’t sleep. Not to say that he shouldn’t let everyone know how blessed he feels to be an NBA player, because that’s awesome for him. It’s just like what the fuck am I supposed to say to that. “Yeah that’s awesome! Congrats! Seems like you have an ok head on your shoulders.”
Thankfully, a month ago when BBFB first requested Boogie, he did tweet (well, really retweet) something that I believe is still relevant today. Something I actually cannot stop thinking about.
RT @aundra_twinboy A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know….»😂— demarcus cousins(@boogiecousins) September 5, 2012
Guys. GUYS. DeShawn Stevenson personally asked for MY advice on a question of utmost importance: what is the best slogan for his new nightclub “Off-Limits?”
First of all let me say that, in the previous sentence, when I said DeShawn Stevenson asked for MY advice I really mean that he asked for “everyone on Twitter’s” advice, but probably because he doesn’t know my twitter handle, YET. Second of all, I am the BEST at slogans. Check it out. Here is a slogan for DeShawn Stevenson the person.
“I have an ATM in my kitchen and an Abraham Lincoln neck tattoo: DeShawn Stevenson”
And here is one for me, the person.
“Scientist, bloggist, consumer of sandwiches: Slisl”
Anyway, the nightclub. DeShawn Stevenson has some slogans in mind:
So I decided to take it above and beyond and think of an even better slogan than any of those four admittedly pretty good slogans. Except then I tried to think too hard about a witty thing to say, and my brain collapsed in on itself and I couldn’t think of anything to say! Also the word “limit” started to look super weird to me.
So I googled “limit phrases” and came up with…
“The sky’s the limit, Off-Limits Nightclub” (Blah)
“Over the limit, Off-Limits Nightclub” (Too drunk-drivey NEVER DO THAT SHIT Y’ALL)
“Limit(fun) as DeShawn Stevenson’s club approaches existence = THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST. INFINITE FUN EVEN BEFORE THE CLUB EXISTS. FUN FUN FUN DESHAWN STEVENSON FUN #maths, Off-Limits Nightclub” (Wordy)
“Limitless, Off-Limits Nightclub” (Already a movie starring Bradley Cooper)
And that’s when I realized I was thinking too much in the box! Why does the word limit even have to be in the name? As I mentioned previously, it’s a fucking weird looking word anyway.
@dsteve92jmarie How about just “only cool people come here, off-limits nightclub”???— slisl (@slisl) August 29, 2012
Dear future patrons of Off-Limits Nightclub by DeShawn Stevenson, YOU’RE WELCOME.