So I have beef with with the NFL’s new uniforms. I know there have been a lot of complaints from players themselves that the new uniforms make them look like they’ve eaten babies, but that is not what I’m beefing about. I’m beefing because Nike, despite its tremendous amount of technology/resources/types of fabric, has yet to solve the most serious NFL uniform problem of our time: visible ass-sweat.
Not every team has this problem. The Saints’ black pants are relatively immune, as are most teams with dark-colored bottoms. The Dallas Cowboys have some major issues in their silver pants (it’s not necessary to google image search “Dallas Cowboys Butts/Dallas Cowboys Sweaty Butts”; I have done this and the results are uninformative, to say the least), but the worst, THE WORST, is the white pants.
Here is a picture I took of the Chargers’ offensive line on my television set Sunday Night.
I’m back! I’m back back back back back! Hopefully this will be my last long absence. My summer of travel/workdeath is finally over, and someone actually asked me in PERSON (Shout out to Alex!) when the blog was coming back, bringing reader-count up to at least 4.
At least a month ago my BBFB (Best Basketball Friend Biff) requested I tweet Boogie Cousins (some of y’all may know him as “DeMarcus”).
The problem is, Boogie hasn’t really tweeted anything of note recently. Mostly shit about the season starting, and how one night he couldn’t sleep. Not to say that he shouldn’t let everyone know how blessed he feels to be an NBA player, because that’s awesome for him. It’s just like what the fuck am I supposed to say to that. “Yeah that’s awesome! Congrats! Seems like you have an ok head on your shoulders.”
Thankfully, a month ago when BBFB first requested Boogie, he did tweet (well, really retweet) something that I believe is still relevant today. Something I actually cannot stop thinking about.
RT @aundra_twinboy A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know….»😂
What the fuck, dude? Why the fuck would you break my car window and not even steal something? Don’t you want anything that is in my car? You just broke my car window for no fucking reason, just to be mean? Did you know it was my birthday???
Here are the things that are currently still in my car that you decided not to steal, and an explanation of their obvious value:
5. LFO CD - are you fucking kidding me? Summertime Girls is a CLASSIC SONG. How do you not want this CD?
6. Early Middle Ages History lecture series CDs - educates on the subject of Early Middle Ages
7. High Middle Ages History lecture series CDs - as above, but for High Middle Ages
8. Kleenex - keeps nose clean
At least I have a pretty good idea of who smashed my car window, based on what he or she did not steal. But who can help me solve this mystery? Bourne Laker, perhaps!
Yes, Steve Nash is parodying movie trailers this summer. Amazing.
@stevenash Looking for a person who has no allergies, ugly ears, warm beer; hates music/history, breaks car windows. Can Bourne Laker help?
Ok, so right now where I’m at it’s Saturday and where America is at it is Friday, but I am going to do a Dress Like an NBA Player Thursdays because I did dress up like an NBA player on Thursday it’s just that the SFO wireless fucking sucks so I couldn’t tell y’all about it. I swore that I was not (NOT) going to spend real money dressing like NBA players, because, well I don’t have so much money, but it became pretty apparent to me after a couple days scrolling through NBA Fashion Swag that I was going to need a denim vest. So I broke my rule pretty quickly. Also, here’s a fun fact: it’s impossible to take a picture of yourself dressed like DeJuan Blair in an airport bathroom without looking like a total weirdo.
You may have noticed that tweet says I’m going to Australia. I am in Australia now. So, dear three readers of my blog, posts will be sparse. I’m tired and I didn’t bring my computer and this shit is sort of hard to do on an iPad. Peace. DeJuan Blair: @DeJuan45 Photo via NBA Fashion Swag
BREAKING: Shawn Marion, on the birthday of our Nation, has chosen to NOT wear socks. I repeat: no socks on Shawn Marion’s feet. He apologizes and explains that his socklessness is merely an effort to combat the summer heat.
I, personally, find it to be a terrible affront to our Nation’s history to place one’s naked and sweating feet unprotected into a pair of shoes, regardless of the ambient temperature
I have this theory about Joe Johnson that I would remember/care that he exists five times more effectively if he was named literally any other name. Joe Johnson is really good at basketball, but I always fucking forget about him because his name is Joe Johnson! Ditto Josh Smith and therefore kind of the Hawks in general.
And I’m not saying that you need to be named after a cut of beef and a legume, or have a Y in the wrong place in your name to be a memorable shooting guard, but c’mon, Joe Johnson? You can do better than that. I’m not asking for much. How about Joe Walker or Jeremy Johnson? You can even keep the alliteration with the second one. And you, Josh Smith: have you considered using a middle initial? It worked for J.R.
Anyway, it appears the reign of bland is over in ATL, with Joe Johnson leaving to make the Nets just a little more forgettable, leaving Josh to hold down a slightly-less-boring-now fort.
Are you interested in what I think, Joe Johnson? Of course you are.
@joejohnson Why you gotta break up the All-NBA boring name dream team?
Last night 60 more young men got added to the list of people I will bother over Twitter. My Lakes grabbed some dude who’s last name is half-Odom, I’m assuming as a personal apology to me for ripping my heart out last fall. And also our very own Mr. Irrelevant, who is tall.
But obv, that is not really like the “big thing” from last night. The big thing was on one Anthony Davis’ face, and it was a Hornets hat. Just kidding it was his giant eyebrow! Just kidding neither of those things were a very exciting “big thing” because he’s had that eyebrow for a really long time and also we already knew he was going to the Hornets. Hooray for the NBA Draft! You are… super boring. Anyway, welcome to the NBA, Anthony.
@AntDavis23 Did you know that your first rite of passage as an NBA player is to tweet me back?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! I tweeted Ty Lawson and, before I even got a chance to tumblr about tweeting Ty Lawson, he tweeted me back! HE TWEETED ME BACK!!!! :D :D :D :D
Ok. Got that out of my system. Sort of. Not really actually. One more time.
TY LAWSON MOTHERFUCKING TWEETED ME BACK AAAAAHHHH :D :D :D X FOREVER.
Ok for reals I’m done now. Here is a breakdown of what happened. First, Ty Lawson taught me a new word, “twatcher.”
Twatcher: (noun) A person who reads Twitter often, perhaps has a Twitter account of their own and follows many people, but does not contribute anything of worth to the Twitter community.
I responded with a clever transformation of a popular phrase, using my new vocabulary.
You guys, I was so excited for today. For SURE the Thunder would come out swinging. We all thought they were on the brink against the Spurs right? I’m writing this midway through the fourth quarter. Oof.
To celebrate what I thought was the Thunder’s sure win, I was going to roll out a new feature: “Dress Like an NBA Player Thursday.” Well I dressed like KD today, but I present it to you not in victory but in sorrow.
